I grew up comparing myself constantly with others, and I am not sure I had a choice (until I realized I had an option). I was in the middle of 2 sisters. We were each approximately 18 months apart. I was nothing spectacular; I was an average kid with an average upbringing. My older sister was pretty, had beautiful thick long hair, a star athlete – a forward on the soccer team & third baseman for the softball team, and ranked in the top 10 of her class at graduation. She had boyfriends. She also reminded me regularly how awesome she was!

My younger sister was the goalie on the soccer team and the catcher on the softball team. She also was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes as a freshman in high school, a discovery made only because of a near-death experience (this had a significant impact on me). I was close with my younger sister and very maternal; I probably cared for her as I wish my older sister cared for me.

I was frequently compared to my sisters (particularly my “perfect” older sister) by other parents, teachers, students, etc.  Naturally, I learned at a very young age to compare myself with others. In some ways, I think that built my desire to do better and achieve more. It set me on a path of “perfection” into my adulthood. And I gained a significant number of personal and professional accomplishments on that path. But I struggled internally for many years on that journey, specifically with anxiety, negative thoughts, and high standards. 

Someone Needs Therapy

Interestingly enough, despite all my inner chatter, I never sought therapy. But instead, the near breakdown of my relationship with my mother made me seek therapy in my 30’s. I gave birth to 2 girls in my early thirties, and I struggled to rationalize my relationship with my mom. I had ignored it for so long, but my girls’ birth intensified my need to solve the problem. So, I went to therapy, seeking an answer to that particular question.

My girls were and still are the greatest gifts I have given this world. Not for one second would I allow our relationship to evaporate into thin air. If I were mad at them, I would tell them. I’d make them talk to me if they were mad at me. I would be open, and I would listen. And, most importantly, I would apologize if they ever felt I hurt them.  My mother was unapologetically hurtful throughout my life. As I got older, I started to avoid the relationship; I knew it was better for my wellbeing. But it was still hard and hurtful not to have a relationship with my mom, especially now that I was a mom with daughters.

My therapist pushed me on my feelings, and the “why” question came up an awful lot. Eventually, it came back to my issue with being a perfectionist and being so hard on myself because this relationship was not working. I could begin to see my internal anxiousness driven by the problems I failed to solve or accomplishments I could not achieve.  She gave me reading material to help me understand my perfectionism and where it stemmed (constantly comparing myself to the “best” version of other people??!!??). The readings were helpful, and I appreciated that the pages were copies. That meant so many others felt this way, justified by the multiple copies she stored in her file cabinet.

The Four Agreements

She then instructed me to read a book. Unfortunately for her, the book ended my sessions with her. It opened my eyes to a new way of living and my eternal love of seeking, listening, and learning with the sole purpose of positive growth.  I wish someone had given me this book in my early twenties – The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz (btw – over 13,000 reviews on Amazon). The book is super short, easy to read, and provided only four things to work on! Everyone should read this book and re-read it multiple times.

Agreement 1:  Be Impeccable With Your Word

The first agreement focuses on the significance of speaking with integrity and carefully choosing words before saying them aloud. Being impeccable with language means to take responsibility for one’s actions and remain without judgment against oneself and others.

Agreement 2:  Don’t Take Anything Personally

The second agreement provides readers with a way to deal with cruel treatment from others that they may experience in life. It advocates the importance of having a strong sense of self and not needing to rely on others’ opinions to be content and satisfied with their self-image. This agreement also allows readers to understand that each individual has a unique worldview that alters their perceptions and that the actions and beliefs of a person are a projection of their reality. 

Agreement 3:  Don’t Make Assumptions

The third agreement describes making assumptions, how it leads to suffering, and why individuals should not partake in making them. When one assumes what others are thinking, it can create stress and interpersonal conflict because the person believes their assumption represents the truth. 

Agreement 4:  Always Do Your Best

The fourth agreement allows readers to have better insight on achieving progress towards their goals in life. This agreement entails integrating the first three agreements into daily life and living to its full potential. It involves doing the best that one can individually manage, which varies from the different situations and circumstances that the individual may encounter.

Always do your Best. Period.

The 4th agreement hit home with my perfectionist mentality, but the 1st, 2nd, 3rd agreements make it so much easier to achieve the 4th agreement. The 4th agreement stresses that no one person is the same, and this fact often goes unsaid. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to be unique. I mean, we all want to be part of something, a team sport, a friend group, a company/team member, etc. 

Unfortunately, I found myself comparing myself to people I believed were the same as me.  My younger self would often compare myself to others in my organization or on my team at work. I’d wonder why or how one person was promoted over another. Or, how was someone picked for an interview or hired for a job over another.

Over time, I learned there were things I could control and things I just could not.  Despite similar backgrounds, groups, etc. each one of us is unique, living unique experiences. Although I may come into a job with the same degree, from the same school, and have the same experience, circumstances will differ. We are all unique, and our goal should be to do the best we can do in a given situation. This agreement also reminds us that “BEST” is not a vertical ascent every passing day; but that your best is different every day. Pure genius, right? I did not look at this as an excuse to slack on my dreams or accomplishments. But rather a way to live a life full of achievements without the chaos and anxiety within. 

How do you compare apples?

I wish my younger self understood this; I thank God I have these lessons to pass to my daughters.  My husband and I have raised our daughters as individuals and to respect one another’s accomplishments. Of course, one has a higher GPA than the other, and there are variances in other skills and traits.

But I tell them they cannot compare the outcomes because the experience (or variables) is so different. “Girls,” I say, “it’s like comparing Honey Crisp apples with Golden Delicious apples!”  They still hurt, and they still cry, and in the beginning, I wept inside as I would recite the apple story. Even though they still cry, and the apple story is repeated, I remain calm inside because I know it will stick with them. I know the story will sink in as they enter adulthood when it is probably needed even more!

Our girls…at the age I started reciting the apple story (teaching them not to compare themselves to each other, their friends, and cousins)